


As You Left Me

by Oskenn



Series: Another State Of Mind [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Asgard (Marvel), Blood and Torture, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heat Stroke, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Non-Consensual Groping, Non-Consensual Touching, Odin's B+ Parenting, Poor Loki (Marvel), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Psychosis, Sexual Abuse, Thanos is a trick ass bitch and is gonna catch these hands, Therapy, Thor And Loki Deserved Better, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Torture, Trauma, he's trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 08:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16237565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oskenn/pseuds/Oskenn
Summary: Barely banging at your door,Don't hear a sound, don't know me anymore.Bell a toll to come for me,An empty street, a rising steep.Break the truth inside of me,Call down the hand on the devils tree.I clutched the branch of soot and flame,A father rose, to scorch my feet.----"Are you sure about this Allfather? Loki is... unpredictable. He's dangerous. The facility in Vanaheim where I work, it would be more suited to Loki's complex needs and is designed to handle patients of his... calibre." Dimitr's eyes softened for a moment "He poses less risk to others there.""An asylum." Odin said flatly, staring past the vanir healer."He is not well."





	As You Left Me

**Author's Note:**

> Thor and Loki deserved better and sometimes you just have to do things yourself.

_(We can give you purpose, lost king.)_

_Loki whimpered as he lay curled up on his side on the stone floor, his underclothes drenched in sweat that did little to cool his flushed body. He could not even see his hand in front of his face in the darkness, but he knew his skin must be clammy and blotched red with broken blood vessels._

_The god was no stranger to pain, others had inflicted it on him and he on others. He'd even caused it to himself._

_But this... this was something new entirely._

_Loki had longed for some sort of warmth, of heat, away from the coldness of the void. The void which dug behind his eyes and burrowed it's way into his brain and bit at his bones. The cold that seemed to caused a deep ache in him despite him being a - being a -_

_He snarled, they called him a liesmith and yet he had been raised in a nest of them._

**_Frost giant._ **

_He turned, pressing his face into the grit and rubble as the heat beat down on him._

**_I had only wanted to die._ **

_Something blue gleamed in his minds eye._

**_Should I?_ **

_He couldn't._

_They were only mortals, how does eighty years compare to five thousand?_

_(You can never leave.)_

_Loki bit his tongue. It hurt._

**_Worthless._ **

**_Jotun runt._ **

_(King.)_

_The Maw's voice whispered through the cracks inbetween walls._

**_Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it-_ **

_(Are you ready to lead?)_

**_No._ **

_Loki gripped at the ground beneath him. Small rocks lodged themselves in his fingernails._

**_Why should I be the one to suffer?_ **

_He let out a dry sob, throat hoarse from screaming._

_(They are not coming for you, they never will.)_

_**Liars**. Someone must come, Thor, Frigga, **anyone** when they realised he was still alive._

_(Why would they come for you? They tossed you into the void and we saved you, He saw your true purpose. You should be glad for His generosity.)_

_**Betrayed**._

_He screwed his eyes tight, despite how futile the action was. Then again, so many actions were futile, people scurrying about in their busy little lives, trying to make use of every second. The action of one day did not always effect the next and the universe would slowly turn on in cold indifference, time ticking away and people were left to crumble to dust and be forgotten._

**_I don't want to be forgotten._ **

_What makes an action futile? What does it take to create a memory lasting, where a name would be carried on different tongues of different worlds until time itself had stopped?_

_(Not everyone has a glorious purpose like you, asgardian.)_

_Why were some races small and insignificant whiles others rose to rule all? Why where some given the power to choose who lives and who dies?_

_Like ants beneath a boot._

_Loki curled up tighter. He wanted to go home._

**_Abandoned._ **

**_Laufeyson._ **

_He didn't have one._

**_God._ **

_(King.)_

**_King._ **

 

  
**\----**

 

 

The tiny cell was bare, just three white walls with a bed fastened to the back were the only features. The wall Frigga stood behind shone a golden light over her, every so often it would shimmer and a ripple of magic would run through it. She knew for the prisoner that from his point of view it would just look like another blank wall, but at several points through the last few days she felt as if he could see her, although if he was who he said he was, then he would know the ins and outs of how everything worked in this place.

The man sat crossed legged on the bed staring at the floor. A lock of filthy hair fell in front of his face, his eyes moved to hover on it for a second, before sliding away to stare blankly at the floor again.

Frigga twisted her hands together anxiously, how could _that_ be her son? The man who sat alone in the room was gaunt and pale. His unkempt hair clearly hadn't been washed in weeks, it was greasy and starting to stick together, it had long overgrown, split ends sticking out in all directions.

She remembered how he used to take such painstaking care of his appearance to an almost irritating level. He used to hate how his hair curled naturally and refused to even come out of his rooms unless his hair was perfectly straight and neat, he would slick it back to keep it out of his face and maintain his pristine appearance.

The man in front of her (he wasn't her Loki, she refused to believe he was Loki) bore too little (yet at the same time too much) of resemblance to the man he claimed to be. The usual polished golden armour was scratched and tarnished, layers and layers of filth coated the metal, as if it had not been cleaned in months. The black leathers were torn and burnt, clinging much too loosely to a much too slender frame.

His eyes were too dull and too unhinged to be her sharp-witted, clever son. His posture was too slumped, his hands too still and his head hung too low. He seemed to have captured everything about Loki and yet at the same time, nothing at all.

He wasn't her son who died over a year ago, who chose to take the literal fall for their mistakes. Who would rather face Helheim than return to his family.

_I tried. I tried to tell him he was loved, that he still belonged with us, why was that not enough?_

(You are our son Loki, and we your family.)

She closed her eyes and gave a minute shake of her head. When she opened them the man was staring at her though the one-way wall.

_What more could we have done?_

The only close feature he shared with Loki was that his hair was brushed back, away out his face, except for that one stubborn strand, and maybe it was that odd familiarity that compelled her to stay.

 

  
**\----**

 

  
Odin sat in the council meeting staring up at the holographic projection that was being emitted from the centre of the table. Sitting with him were his highest and most trusted council members, along with the best healers of both body and mind that Asgard had to offer. Vanaheims top mind healers accompanied them, as Vanaheim was the best in all the nine realms for the knowledge of the mind. The screen projected showed the video footage that Midgard had sent over of Loki's short, but destructive time on their realm.

Despite having reviewed the footage numerous times, Odin's heart still twisted at the sight of Loki when he first arrived on Earth. The lost prince's face was unhealthily pale, exaggerated by the slight reds and purples surrounding his eyes which shone unnaturally bright, even in the dim lighting. A few beads of sweat rolled down the asgardians face as his eyes flickered jumpily around the room despite all the confidence he expressed.

"Freedom is life's great lie."

Odin watched with numb eyes as the tape played out the same as it always had. He watched his son slaughter the Midgardian warriors and use the power of what he now knew to be an infinity stone to control the survivors, successfully stealing the Tesseract at the end. He closed his eye for the last few seconds of the footage, where he knows Loki would cry out, stumble and almost fall before the midgardian scientist would place his hand on the small of Loki's back and help steady him.

The tape cut out and Odin opened his one eye to find Aegir, his close friend and who he considered to be his right hand man in his council, swiping off the older footage to replace it with a more recent recording.

"Interrogation number five, recorded approximately four days ago. Interrogator is Head Mind Healer Dimitr of Vanaheim." Aegir seemed to hesitate, he locked his sea-green eyes on Odin as if he was seeking some form of reassurance or conformation. Odin gave him a little nod, knowing that this must be as hard for him as it was the Allfather. Aegir was as old and grey as the King himself and had watched Loki grow up, he was one of the very few people outside of Loki's family that knew his true heritage. He was actually with Odin when he first found Loki, still slick with his mothers blood, alone and abandoned on a war-torn world.

Odin pushed back the memories as Aegir stated to play the tape of Loki's most recent and useful interview. The clip showed the young asgardian lounging back on his chair as comfortably as he could, with his hands chained to the table in front of him. Dimitr sat with his back half to the camera so they could only see one side of his face. He was a young man, only a few centuries older than Loki. He was dressed in the typical Vanir healers outfit, black leathers with soft grey undertones and silver accents.

Dimitr leaned forward and place his hands on the table, Loki's eyes followed his every move, not once breaking eye contact. The age gap was where the similarities ended between them, Dimitr had light brown skin and narrow eyes, with coal-coloured hair tied into a long braid that ran down to his shoulder blades. It had started to come undone, falling in soft wisps around his face giving him a kind, trustworthy look.

 _"Good morning Loki."_ Dimitr began.

Loki cocked his head to the side _"This again?"_ he said with a smile _"Do you grow bored of my absence so quickly?"_

_"I just want to ask you some questions."_

_"Questions, questions, questions, that's all you lot ever ask. That's all anyone ever asks when they're all too blind to see the obvious."_ Loki finished with that same maddening smile. He kept his blue eyes locked on Dimitr's brown ones, they had a predatory glint to them and seemed to be trying to burn their way into the healers head.

That, with the unnerving smile (if you could even call it that) made the hairs on Odins neck stand on end.

_"And what are people oblivious to?"_

_"Power. True power."_

_"Are you true power Loki?"_

The aseir scoffed but didn't break eye contact _"What do you think?"_

Dimitr seemed to think carefully before he answered _"I think you're quite capable of causing a lot of damage."_

The grin on Loki's face widened. He looked deranged. His blue eyes broke away from Dimitr's and stared directly up and into the camera.

 _"It must hurt, mustn't it? To have all this power in Asgard and yet, to never use it. All your assets and relics locked away to gather dust, until you finally find a use for them-"_ he broke into a laugh _"-but you never do, you leave it all to rot away like carrion under a summers day."_

(History will always repeat itself Allfather.)

(A witch, long dead now.)

(It is too long and Life is too foolish for it not to.)

(He'd dismissed her then.)

 _"I don't understand"_ Dimitr said, confused.

Loki's gaze snapped back to him harshly _"I wasn't talking to you,"_ he hissed and he glanced back into the camera, his eyes seemed look directly into Odin's and yet this was impossible _"Isn't that right Allfather?"_

(Why does he now remember her words?)

There was a rustle of clothes as Dimitr turned around to follow Loki's gaze _"There's nothing there Loki-"_

Loki shot up at that suddenly, sending his chair crashing to the floor. Dimitr jumped sharply and span back round in his seat to face the prince. The Asgardians eyes glinted at his reaction but it was gone too fast for Odin to understand what it meant. Loki towered over him in an attempt to intimidate the vanir, the cocky smirk was gone, replaced by an ugly snarl that twisted his features in all the wrong ways.

_"Do you take me for a fool, you vanir scum?"_

Odin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, the hostility between Vanaheim and Asgard was still very raw even after all these centuries.

_"I don't know what I take you for Loki, but it's certainly not a fool."_

Loki's eyes seemed to twitch at that but the savage snarl on his face remained _"I am a **king**!"_

A delusional disorder. That's what all the healers had been saying.

Loki's eyes were glinting madly, his pupils were unfocused and although his sharp wit and intelligence remained as clear as ever, he seemed unsteady. As if he was holding onto reality by a thread as thin as a hair, his azure eyes flickered around the room feverishly.

 _"Loki,"_ Dimitr said gently causing the others head to snap round _"I need you to answer a question for me and I need you to do it truthfully."_

Loki barked a laugh _"Truthfully? You do know who you're talking too?"_ He shook his head a little too violently _"Haven't you asked enough questions by now? I'm sick of having healers poke at my head and body every damn day. Just swing the axe and be done with it._ "

 _"I know Loki but this is the last time I promise."_ The look Loki gave the healer would've sent a lesser man running but Dimitr somehow maintained his calm demanour.

_"Loki who did you ally yourself with?"_

Loki stiffened suddenly, he lent back slightly, as far as the restraints would let him, his back tensed and his shoulders rounded up and forward as if he was curling in on himself. His hands tightened into fists with white knuckles that were still bruised from where he put them through the walls of his cell. His eyes dimmed, the crazed spark disappearing in an instant and he broke eye contact with Dimitr, dropping his gaze to the floor. He didn't answer.

_"Loki we need to know so we can understand what happended to you-"_

" _NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME! Why can't you just understand that?"_ Loki bellowed at Dimitr, despite the obvious rage, his body language did not change from the defensive posture he'd instinctively fallen into. His breathing began to quicken and his pupils dilated as they began to flicker nervously from the floor to Dimitr.

 _"Whatever they threatened you with, you're safe on Asgard-"_ Loki cut him off again with a laugh that contained no humour.

 _" **Safe**? Are you mad? **Nowhere** is safe from Him."_ Loki started biting at his lip until it bled. He didn't seem to notice.

Dimitr leaned forward, resting his hands on the table that separated him and Loki _"So it's a him? It's only one person?"_

Loki snorted _"He has his allies, and they'll find me, they always do."_

_"Can you tell me his name?"_

Loki locked his gaze onto Dimitr again _"We dare not speak His name!"_ He hissed madly.

_"We? So there are others?"_

Loki dropped his gaze again staring at the floor _"The children."_

Dimitr glanced at the camera, confused _"The children of who?"_

Loki let out another dry laugh. His hands began to shake violently.

 _"Loki,"_ said Dimitr in his soft voice _"If you tell us we can protect you."_

The shaking spread up Loki's arms and into his shoulders, until his whole body was trembling. He pinched his eyebrows together anxiously, all confidence and cockiness from before had vanished within a split moment.

 _"No."_ Loki murmured, his voice suddenly softer now _"No one can. He'll find me and He'll - He'll -"_

Loki slowly slid to the floor, his hands preventing him from lying down completely. Dimitr shot up from his seat and went to slowly crouch by Loki. He reached out to Loki, but as his hand brushed against the prince's shoulder, Loki flinched violently, and the clanging of his chains against the tabled echoed loudly.

Dimitr withdrew his hand, and lowered his head, attempting to make eye contact with Loki. But Loki's eyes were fixed on the floor, they were glazed, distant, as if his mind was somewhere else.

 _"Loki?"_ Dimitr said gently _"Can you please tell me? If you do, we can stop him from finding you."_

Loki let out a shaky breath and rested his head against his raised arms, hiding his face from view.

 _"Please,"_ Loki's muffled voice cracked out _"Just kill me before He finds me please-"_

 _"Loki,"_ breathed Dimitr, slightly disturbed _"No-ones going to be killing you."_

_"Please, I can't have Him find me, I can't let Him - don't let Him -"_

But what Loki didn't want doing to him was never known, as the young asgardian fell strangely silent, and for a second, all that could be heard was heavy laboured breathing and the rustling of clothes.

 _"Loki? Loki can you hear me?"_ But Loki didn't respond to the healers requests. Dimitr continued to ask Loki if he could look up, if he could talk, but the god seemed to have fallen completely unresponsive. Dimitr tried for a few minutes to rouse Loki, but it was without success.

Eventually Dimitr called out for the healers that were on standby off-camera and two healers rushed in and unclipped Loki's hands from the table. They gently pulled Loki back by his shoulders and this time he didn't react. Dimitr shone a small light into Loki's eyes and instead of shying away or cringing at the bright light, he simply sat there, like a broken doll.

Dimitr sighed and stood up, cracking his spine from having crouched for so long, he nodded to the other healers and decided to call it a day. The two healers each slung one of Loki's arms around their shoulders and carried him out, his feet stumbling along the floor and his head hanging low. The screen disappeared as Aegir stood up.

"After this moment the accused entered a catatonic state for more than three hours."

Odin sighed and rubbed his face. This had been the closest they had gotten to understanding what had happened during the year Loki was missing. It also showed the true nature of his unpredictable mood swings. Odin had seen him go from calm, to violent, to terrified in a blink of an eye several times now.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as Aegir sat down and the table began to quietly discuss their final judgement. It did not take long. All too soon the murmuring ceased and eyes from both Asgard and Vanaheim turned to meet his. Odin rose and slammed Gungir on the ground, the sound echoing of the walls of the meeting room.

"What is the councils final statement?"

 

  
**\----**

 

 

_Odin watched as Eir drew up runes and figures in the soul forge. Lines of sedir and information ran over the golden sheen that hovered above Loki's body, bouncing off the golden walls and floor of the healing rooms._

_Loki's wrists were chained to the rails of the bed by the heavy cuffs Thor brought him back in. His hands had formed into hard fists and he glared at Eir as she worked around him._

_If looks could kill._

_Loki shifted uncomfortably as she ordered the forge to give him a deep scan, squirming as the sedir rippled over him._

_"Lie still Loki." she murmured._

_Loki sneered at her "You try lying still while you get poked and prodded." He pulled at his restraints, twisting his wrists in a futile attempt to work his way our of them._

_"Would you rather I gave you a sleeping draught?" the healer replied just as snappily. Loki glared at her "I didn't think so."_

_She continued her observations, paying little heed to her irritable patient. Loki chewed his lip and glanced over to Odin who was standing a good three meters or more away. He snarled and turned his head to face the ceiling again. He started to pull on his restraints more forcefully this time._

_" **Loki**." Odin and Eir warned in sync._

_Loki's face twisted and he clanged his wrist against the bars of the bed angrily. The sound jarred loudly through the room and Odin noticed Loki's guard jump and clutch his spear a little tighter._

_"You'll pay for this!" the prince growled venomously._

_"I'm sure I... will." Eir muttered, suddenly distracted by whatever the soul forge was showing her. She narrowed her eyes "That... Odin." she said tensely._

_Odin started at her call and strode forward to stand next to her, looking intently at the forge's readings. Loki glanced sharply between them "What is it?" he demanded._

_Both Odin and Eir ignored him "Look at that," Eir pointed to a scan of Loki's lower abdomen "His left kidney readings are almost non-existent." She zoomed the image out to show a full body graph where the left calf and the underside of both arms were highlighted._

_"This," the healer waved her hand over the highlighted areas "is all soft tissue damage, something's happened where the blood flow has either been restricted or lessened to an extent that it's caused permanent damage."_

_She closed her fist and then opened it, causing the forge to focus on Loki's lungs._

_"When I had a listen to them he had a noticeable wheeze and now..." She trailed off, staring at the readings Odin didn't understand._

_She swallowed audibly "His lungs have been inflamed at some point, from the looks of it more than once, and now that damage... it won't go away quickly."_

_Odin closed his eye and paused for a moment "Why hasn't he healed already?"_

_"These are old injuries, the organs must have been weakened because of constant damage to them. It will take much longer than normal for him to heal - if he can at all" Eir glanced at Loki, her gaze resting on him before grasping the Allfathers arm and sharply pulling him away from the bed and turning away from Loki._

_Odin did the same and lowered his head to hers to talk more confidentially._

_"My king," Eir murmured shooting a look over her shoulder "When I examined Loki earlier I focused on his head to see if there was anything more physical than psychological, and - there is some amount of brain damage-"_

_Odin pulled away sharply "What?" he hissed. Loki's actions were bizarre, but nothing seemed to suggest that he was soft in the head._

_"He shows damage that suggests his brain has swelled, the damage is only minor but I do think it's manifested in some ways physically, he's complained of headaches before and I'll need to run further tests but I think he's suffering some neurological impairment."_

_"Could this damage explain... everything?" Odin asked. He wanted her to say yes, Odin could deal with something physical, and if this was the cause, then it would be far better than the alternatives he had been suspecting._

_"No" Eir said and Odins heart plummeted "This damage doesn't match up, whether Loki is or is not fully coherent... well I'm not the person you should be asking"_

_A silence fell, all they could hear was Loki's ragged breathing. The king turned back round to face his son who was staring at the ceiling stonily._

_"Heatstroke?" Odin finally spoke after a while._

_Eir nodded "Most likely, this is the type of damage it can cause if left untreated, or if he suffered multiple bouts of it."_

_Loki turned to stare at the wall pointedly._

_Eir took a deep breath "My King, this, along with the superficial scar tissue we found when he first arrived...I..." She trailed off before looking at him, her eyes knowing._

_She sighed, glancing back at Loki before excusing herself to find him some medication. leaving Odin alone with his son._

_"Loki-"_

_"What."_

_It wasn't a question._

_Odin wandered back over to the bed and read over the soul forge's readings, Loki had always been sensitive to the heat, which hadn't come as a surprise to the king and queen. But this... the damage, the scarring, the odd behaviour... it was wrong. Something was very wrong._

_"You can't stop it."_

_Odin glanced back down at his son, surprised. Loki's eyes were practically on fire under the light of the forge as he sat up, staring right into the Allfathers remaining eye. Odin wrinkled his brow in confusion "What are you talking about?"_

_A crooked grin appeared on Loki's face "The war, it's coming and you can't do a thing to stop it."_

_Odin sighed and looked away, it was just one of Loki's many mad ramblings. Out of nowhere a swift foot kicked out sharply and knocked the breath from the kings chest. The guard shouted and made to start forward but Odin raised his hand, causing the other aseir to freeze. He glanced back at Loki out of the corner of his eye, who seemed to take it as a conformation to continue._

_"The war is coming old man, planets will become rocks and the rocks will become dust and the dust will become **nothing**. He is coming and not even your precious Thor can do anything to prevent it! It's all a matter of choosing the right side because the very fabric of reality will be torn and - and - **why aren't you listening to me?!"** Loki screamed as Odin closed his eye and ran a hand over his face. As much as the old king wanted to deny it, Loki had not been the most... lucid since his return. He wouldn't say it embarrassed him, but he felt deeply uncomfortable over the matter; a deep shame burned in his gut, either at himself or at Loki he did not know._

_Odin had long hoped for Loki to have somehow lived, but not like this. This... whatever had happened... a small part of Odin wished that Loki had perished in the void, so he would not have to look upon the half-mad thing on the bed that was his son._

_"Listen to me! For once in your miserable life just **listen** to me! **He** is coming and you have to be ready because - because -" Loki stammered to a halt as Odin turned his back and began to walk away, pausing only to avoid crashing into Eir as she hurried through the doorway. He quickly grabbed her arm as she started to walk past him, gently pulling her so she faced the king._

_The healer shot a confused glance between Loki, who lay panting on the bed glaring white-hot daggers at Odin, and the king himself, who knew the lines in his face must be pulled taught with concern._

_"Return the prisoner to his cell when you are finished." He said quietly. Not quietly enough it seemed, as he saw Loki begin to twist on the bed, his face dark._

_The prince began to spat insults at the pair of them, in another time Odin would've been furious but now... it wasn't as if he didn't care, he just couldn't find the energy to discipline Loki in light of everything else the young god had done._

_"I'm going to converse with Vanaheim, they have more experience with these kinds of matters." Odin muttered to the healer and she nodded her approval. Odin turned and carried on walking away, he could hear Loki's insults, now mixed with incoherent ramblings, increase in both venom and volume. Odin strode through the doors of the private chamber and began to make his way through the main healing hall, in which Loki's yells could still be heard._

_"Asgard is going to **burn**!"_

_Odin pressed on. The silence was deafening._

 

  
**\----**

 

  
Loki swept through the doors of the throne room like nothing had changed. He swaggered down the great hall as if there weren't chains around his ankles, wrists, hips and neck. He walked as if he was still clad in the highest quality leathers and golden armour, rather than the thin tunic and pants that were more suited to sleeping than appearing in court.

He ignored the fact that his Sedir was blocked by the thick cuffs that he hated so much. He ignored the fact that Odin had a collar on him as if he was some beast to be tamed. He ignored the gathering of twittering asgardians that gwarped at him like he was some sort of curiosity. He ignored the fleet of guards that walked him down to the throne and he ignored the fact that he'd rather impale himself on their spears than talk to _him_.

Frigga and Thor hadn't bothered to show up.

Odin stared down at Loki as he approached. When Loki finally ran out of room and had to stop he swung his leg out to clang his feet together in a mockery of respect, before letting out a laugh.

"I really don't see what all the fuss is about."

Odin gazed down at him, he looked... sad. Loki bared his teeth, how _dare_ he?

"You really don't understand the gravity of your crimes do you?" Odin murmured, seemingly to himself rather than anyone else.

Loki felt light-headed, as if he was on a high. He laughed hysterically "What crimes? I was doing was I was born to do; to rule, as a _king!_ "

Odin said nothing, just looked at him with that damn eye. Loki ignored the guards glances at each other, he ignored the stares of his people, he ignored the clink of his chains and how the sound hurt his head.

_Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it-_

"It was my birthright!"

Odin stood up suddenly. _Finally_ , a reaction out of the old fool. He stared down at Loki and looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't.

(Remember your place.)

"Loki Odinson," Loki snarled at the false name, even now Odin was too ashamed to admit his mistake of taking a Jotun runt in "You stand here today in the royal palace accused of crimes against the realms of Asgard, Jotunheim and Midgard."

Loki scowled, so they decided to add that little stunt with Jotunheim in? Didn't they see he was doing them all a favour? That he was helping them, doing what Odin had been too cowardly to try and Thor too stupid to succeed in?

And the crimes against Asgard, they must've found out _he_ let the Frost Giants in. _Yes_ , it caused the deaths of two guards but what were their lives against the whole of Asgard? He saved all of them from Thor's brashness and ignorance so why did it matter? And no one got hurt the second time, Heimdall was still alive and Loki had managed to kill off one of their oldest enemies, so what crimes did he commit?

And for Midgard well... Loki had to admit he'd do it again, just better this time. If he was allowed to have crafted a slower, but better plan and his hands hadn't been so tied by-

Loki swallowed thickly. _Do not remember, do not remember, do not remember, do not remember._

"-treason, endangerment of Asgard and its people and attempted mass-murder, how do you plead?"

Loki blinked, he must have drifted off when Odin had been talking. He mentally tried to sharpen his focus.

_Think Loki!_

"Guilty." Loki found himself saying. He heard the crowd whisper to each other.

Odin Looked down at him, looked into him.

"I, Odin, King of Asgard, son of Bor, declare you guilty of your crimes against Asgard."

The crowd cheered and Loki smiled, finally it would all go away. He knew the sentencing already, he knew from the minute he lost. Odin would demand his head and everything would stop. The headaches, the damn questions, the noise in his head, it would all finally just _stop_.

And in death _He_ couldn't get him, _He_ couldn't fulfil His promise of making Loki feel more pain than he's ever known, _He_ couldn't find him and-

_Do not remember, do not remember, do not remember, do not remember._

(If you fail.)

"For your crimes against Jotunheim I find you guilty."

The crowd was shouting now, baying for blood. Loki felt confusion flicker across his face. He had been doing the right thing! He had been trying to _help_ Asgard!

_And to prove I wasn't one of them, those **monsters** you try to call people._

"For your crimes against Midgard I find you not guilty."

_...What?_

The crowd around Loki fell silent for a split second, surprised. Then they began to whisper, and several people began to shout, saying how he was a traitor, that he should be executed, that Odin was _favouring_ him. (Ha! As if!)

All Loki could do what stand there numbly, he could feel his heart pounding frantically but he didn't know why.

_Have you gone mad, Allfather?_

Odin banged Gungir and the room fell silent. Loki gazed up at him, he realised his mouth was slightly ajar but he didn't care.

"After conversing with numerous healers of both Asgard and Vanaheim, I have declared you mentally unfit to be held responsible for your actions. Despite the many lives you have taken and the atrocities you have committed, your mental state has been been discovered to be the leading cause of your crimes and you are deemed too unwell for any fair punishment. There is clear evidence of trauma having been inflicted upon you and your altered and delusional view on reality mean that I cannot find you guilty."

_No._

"You are a danger to yourself and others and so are to be incarcerated in the inner palace, you will be under constant guard and only allowed out under strict supervision. You will be under the monitoring of Head Healer Eir of Asgard and Head Mind Healer Dimitr of Vanaheim, and will be treated as they see fit."

 _No_.

"I take away your rights to refuse medical treatment and I take away your command as prince of Asgard. Your sedir will be sealed until you are in a better control of your mind and actions."

No.

"I, Odin, King of Asgard, declare Loki Odinson of Asgard to be legally insane."

 _NO_.

Loki didn't realise he had been screaming _no_ until the guards yanked him back by the chains around his hips. Despite this he tried to lunge at Odin, to _hurt_ him, to get the stubborn old fool to _change his damn mind._

" _No, no, no, no!_ " he heard himself yelling but no one listened to him. No one ever listened to him.

He felt his feet sliding on the golden floor as the guards started to pull him back, away from Odin and the maddening look of sadness he had on his face that made Loki's blood boil.

"I'm not mad! _I'm not mad!_ "

The crowd took a nervous step back from him, as if he was diseased. Loki growled.

"Damn you Borson!" Loki couldn't help but feel a flicker of pride when he heard the crowd around him gasp at his flippant display of disrespect to the Allfather "You - you think you can stop me? You think this will all end when you lock me away from sight, like you've been craving to do all these years? It won't! I will never stop, _He_ is coming and Ragnarok will commence and you will all _burn before me-_ " his mad ramble was cut off abruptly when a searing flash of pain erupted from the back of Loki's head, he let out a cry and dropped to his knees painfully with a loud thud. He tried to feel the back of his head for any injury but his hands were chained to the shackles around his hips and he could not raise them higher than his navel. Loki felt the tip of a guards spear rest warningly on the back of his neck and his mouth twitched, they dare lay a hand on him?

Loki felt blood slowly trickle down his neck and his breath stilted. He found himself staring at the floor in the kneeling position he'd been forced into, the perfectly polished golden floor stared right back at him, and he had nowhere to look except at his reflection. He watched the unhinged smile slowly slide of his face and he was left looking at a man with eyes far too large and sunken and a face too gaunt and pale to be intimidating. His lank hair fell around his face in strands and his eyes twitched in disgust.

What has happened to me?

He slowly rose his head and glanced around the room, the crowds that had just been baying for his blood stood a good distance back from him, huddled close and whispering, staring at him with wide eyes. He glanced up to where Odin sat, the man was looking down at him with a disturbed look on his face.

Loki swallowed thickly, maybe everyone was right, maybe there was something very wrong with him.

A sound to his right startled him and he shifted his eyes to see that vanir healer approaching him. His movements were slow and he had his hands partially raised up as he eyed Loki kneeling on the ground

Loki's face twisted into something he didn't understand, he wanted to be _respected_ , to be _honoured_ , not treated like some rabid _animal_.

He tried getting to his feet again but the guard that had struck him down pressed his spear into Loki's neck, the prince felt the bite of the blade pierce his skin and before he knew it he was letting out a low growl.

"Loki." said Dimitr softly like he always did, he always said Loki's name too much and always in that same patronising tone.

By the Norns Loki despised the man.

His gaze flickered round to the townspeople and they stared back, the silence was so heavy Loki found himself choking on it.

The blade suddenly disappeared from Loki's neck and he felt himself being roughly pulled to his feet, he stumbled slightly and swayed in the air before straightening his back. He was not weak. He was not mad. And he certainly wasn't _insane_.

Loki breathed raggedly. In. Out.

The guards began to tug him backwards and Loki almost followed.

"Don't make this worse Loki." Odin warned.

Worse? Worse? Loki nearly let out a laugh, he'd been physically beaten to a pulp, he failed spectacularly at everything he tried and had been dragged to court and humiliated in front of the people who should be calling him king.

How could it get _worse?_

His gaze rested on Dimitr before rising up to Odin, Loki felt his lips curl into a snarl. They will pay. They will all pay, they will all kneel before him-

Odin was walking down the throne steps, Dimitr wandered away from Loki to meet him, his head lowered in murmured conversation that everyone seemed to be doing around Loki these days.

They all ignored him, walked around him as if they trod on broken glass, one wrong step would their flesh into shreds.

Fools.

The guards began to pull him back more forcefully now, he stumbled backwards, refusing to turn around despite their incessant tugging.

"Odin!"

Odin continued talking as if Loki hadn't uttered a word, the world moved around him, as if he didn't exist, as if he was nothing.

"Odin!"

He was howling now, he could feel his throat tearing, bloodied bugs crawling out of his mouth, choking him, drowning him-

_(And the void stared back, so incredibly and utterly full of **nothing** , no light in his eyes nor air in his lungs. He was forever condemned to drown in the dark between the realms.)_

He was nearly out the doors now, and still the king would not look at him.

(He is coming)

"Odin please!"

(And there is nothing you can do to stop us.)

And yet, the Allfather did not react.

Loki threw his head back and laughed, the situation suddenly seemed so _funny_ now, the way they pranced and pretended, ignoring Fate as if it was a mere child's wonder, or a late night thought of one's place in the universe.

Fate was like death, inevitable, relentless and tied to every creature that drew breath.

Fate caught up with them all in the end.

(There will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice.)

_Ignore me then, and so when the time comes, I will laugh as I stand in the ruins of your great kingdom._

(We do not resist our purpose little god.)

Insane indeed.

 

**\----**

 

  
"Are you sure about this Allfather? Loki is... unpredictable. He's dangerous. The facility in Vanaheim where I work, it would be more suited to Loki's complex needs and is designed to handle patients of his... calibre." Dimitr's eyes softened for a moment "He poses less risk to others there."

"An asylum." Odin said flatly, staring past the vanir healer.

"He is not well." Dimitr said softly, the sounds of Loki's hysteria coming from the other end of the hall only seemed to influence his point.

Odin sighed and twisted Gungir slowly in his hand "We have the power to keep Loki contained and sectioned, it should not have to come to the point where he must be moved to Vanaheim."

The thought of Loki going to Vanaheim left an odd feeling in Odin's chest. On one hand it would be a relief, a pressure lessened from his shoulders, on the other... a part of him could not bear it.

"If it comes to a point where we cannot handle him, then I will have him transferred." Odin said as the doors finally swung shut and silence fell in the packed throne room.

Dimitr looked at him sadly "I understand that this is hard, but I can't be here for Loki all of the time, I have patients back home. If Loki deteriorates suddenly... then you may have to make a decision quickly before he can cause any harm."

Odin nodded "Prevention is better than cure."

Dimitr bowed to Odin before excusing himself from the throne room. Odin watched him go, his eye following the Vanir healer as he exited right off the throne, presumably to the healing rooms.

He sighed and walk over to a window over looking the southern coast of Asgard, where the broken bi-frost could be clearly seen. The king rested his hands on the window-sill and lent heavily on the frame, the weight of all the years he has lived felt heavy on his shoulders.

(History will repeat itself Allfather.)

His face felt damp. Surprised, he touched his cheek to find a single, solitary tear.

 

  
**\----**

 

  
_"P-perhaps we could come to - to some kind of agreement?" Loki's voice was ragged, broken._

_"We have already spoke to you of our partnership asgardian."_

_Loki choked down a laugh. A partnership. It was an odd choice of word to describe their... **interest** in him._

_He swallowed thickly, trying to soothe his throat to make him sound more appealing, he was a damned silvertoungue, it shouldn't be so hard to manipulate these **primates**._

_"I would -" Loki broke off into a hacking cough "- I would - consider - an allegiance if certain - certain requirements changed." It hurt to speak, it hurt to breathe. His voice still came out pathetically weak and fragile, he was barely able to string a sentence together._

_The other man laughed "You are in no position to make requests or demands - **king** "_

_Loki bared his teeth, when they called him that, it wasn't out of respect or loyalty, it was of mockery. They were taunting him, playing with him._

_**Don't listen to them,** he thought to himself, **they are other silvertongues, they will only corrupt you.**_

_He caught a glimpse of blue from the corner of his eye and was ashamed to admit that he let out a sound akin to a whimper._

_The man, a horrible, grotesque, eyeless man, approached Loki's head. A deep swell of panic rose in the gods chest as the other got too close with that damned **thing** in his hands -_

_He swallowed in reflex as he felt something sharp graze the side of his head, down by his temple. His eyes tracked the tip of the sharp blade as it ran down the side of his face, over his prominent cheekbones and coming to a stop at his throat. It hovered threateningly over his adam's apple and he couldn't quite quell the rush of anxiety even though he knew that they wouldn't dare slit his throat. He was too useful for them to do such a thing._

_A lot of the time he found himself wishing that they would make a mistake, that they would push his body too far or get frustrated and lash out irrationally._

_He wondered if what would happen if he died here. No-one would ever know. Most likely his body would get hacked into pieces and sold on the black market, distributed amongst the galaxy, maybe a sliver of his lung or a chunk of his heart would find it's way back onto Asgard._

_It wasn't the thought of him being butchered and sold like common meat that scared him though, it was the fact that he didn't care. If it got him away from this place - from this hell - he would gladly take it. It wasn't as if he would be around to care anyway._

_Alas, the blade moved away from his throat and travelled back up, the blue of the stone burned in the corner of his eye and he tried to turn away despite the restraints locking his head in place._

_The other man - Loki still hadn't learnt his name - chuckled and pulled away from the asgardians head. Loki took the moment to test his bindings for must be the hundredth time. The metal bindings around his head, wrists, and ankles still held firmly to the wooden table that he was laid flat across. They had long grown slick with blood from his struggling but he was not able to slip his hands free, the bindings seemed just as tight as before despite the amount of lubrication they were now coated with._

_The Other - it was the best name Loki could come up with in his exhausted state - walked away from the back of his head and back round into his line of sight. He wielded a short-staffed sceptre that ended in a wickedly sharp blade arching over a blazing blue stone. Norns how Loki hated him and that weapon equally._

_"How is he going?" A female voice coming from his left made him and The Other jump. The Other glanced up and Loki turned his head the best he could to see a huge woman, standing a good head taller then Loki himself, entering the cell. She had a set of dark horns curling from the sides of her face - whether they were natural or armour, Loki couldn't tell - and dark markings over her violet eyes. Midnight blue hair tumbled down her back and she had her own staff casually slung over her shoulder as she waltzed into the room, her eyes indifferent as they swept over Loki._

_He swallowed, suddenly becoming hyper-aware of how exposed he was, flat on his back dressed only in his underclothes, a now-filthy black jumpsuit that was torn and shredded and stank of sweat and dirt._

_"Proxima," The Other grated, a clear look of annoyance on his face "you do not have permission to be here."_

_"I have permission to be everywhere." She replied coldly and Loki wondered if she even knew The Other's name. Her focus turned back to Loki and he couldn't help but shift under her piercing gaze. Her eyes ran over his body and lingered too long on him, she extended a hand and he flinched as she softly touched his cheek, trailing her hand down his neck just like the sceptre had._

_"Proxima." The Other practically spat. Proxima shot him a cold look but continued to stroke down Loki's side, her hand coming to a rest uncomfortably low down, she gripped Loki's hip with strong fingers and he felt his heart stutter in his chest._

_"Father wishes to know his progress." She addressed The Other but kept her eyes on Loki "He is growing impatient."_

_"He is far from complete. You cannot rush this."_

_"I know." Her hand dug into Loki's hip painfully "But he would like an estimation at least."_

_Loki huffed, frustrated about how they were talking about him as if he wasn't there "Why not you just use that damned thing on me and be done with it?" He motioned with his eyes to the sceptre._

_"We are looking for an ally, not a brain-dead puppet." Proxima replied. She cocked her head, her other hand coming up the caress the side of Loki's face "He's a pretty one isn't he? Father did a good job in finding him." She looked up to The Other._

_"Do you think he would lend him to me for a night? I have all sorts of ideas that could help him with his... initiation." She finished with a shark smile and Loki felt a sick feeling open up in his chest._

_Her hand moved along his hip to grope at him and he gasped out in surprise, instinctively giving a little buck and she smiled. Loki felt his face burn and nausea coiled in his gut._

_Her other hand continued to stroke his cheek softly in a way that was oddly comforting, she cupped his face, her thumb trailing over his thin, parted lips. She pushed down harder on his crotch and Loki let out low whine, feeling his blood rush to his extremities and electricity run down his spine._

_Suddenly the pressure on his groin disappeared as The Other wrenched Proxima's hand off him._

_"He is not to be used for that purpose."_

_She glared at him icily but thankfully backed away from Loki. She bent down to grab her staff where it lay forgotten on the floor, she must have dropped it and Loki never realised._

_Loki couldn't help but flinch when she leant down to him and felt her hot breath against his ear._

_"Better not fail us pretty one, you look like you would make a great little cocksucker, maybe I would lend you to Corvus for an hour."_

_He stared at her in shock as he watched her turn around and exit the cell, staff slung over one shoulder again as if nothing had happened._

_The rattling of his restraints brought him to his attention that at some point he had started shaking. The tremors ran uncontrollably through his body along with the rush of adrenaline that made his heart pound painfully. He gasped and breathed in raggedly, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and dripping into his eyes._

_The Other shifted and Loki saw him raise the sceptre again, the tip rested against his scarred temple and the god could feel the deep hum of power against his skin._

_"Please."_

_The sceptre dug into the side of his head. Loki could feel a trickle of warm blood run down his face, dripping into his ear._

**_There is only one way I can get out of this._ **

_Loki eye'd the sceptre. He imagined wielding it, he imagined having the power thrumming at the side of his head at his fingertips. With a weapon as grand as that, no-one would be able to touch him, no-one would be able to hurt him. They would be nothing but words._

**_And so you would have failed. Given up like you always do. You are an asgardian, you are not meant to break or bend under anothers hand, no matter how far they push your body to the extreme, no matter if they harness the very power of the universe and send it screaming through your skull._ **

_But he wasn't asgardian, was he?_

**_No matter how many pretty words they whisper in your ear._ **

_Loki could himself breaking. He wanted to give in, he wanted to do anything to make this stop._

**_Thor wouldn't give in._ **

_Loki cursed his own thoughts, staring at the granite ceiling above him, the Other appeared in the corner of his vision, bearing down on the young god._

_"Will you ally yourself with us, king?"_

_He imagined it, he imagined being free, being powerful. He imagined being a king._

_His gaze slowly drifted to look at the Other, gazing at where his eyes would be under the blindfold. He took a shaky breath that rattled in his chest._

_" **Never**."_

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally finished this.
> 
> It was supposed to be done before IW... and it's now October... I procrastinate ok?
> 
> Partly the ending was a dick to write and I ended up just leaving it how it is because I couldn't get the original ending to work.
> 
> Subscribe for late updates and lots of pain. Because it's about to get so much worse.


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